Veteran Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) may have elicited mass sympathy when he announced over the weekend that his beloved vacuum cleaner, Beth, had finally given up the ghost.
But after reports emerged online Sunday night that the remains of a burnt-out toaster were found in a junkyard less than a mile away from Grassley’s home, Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg urged the Federal Bureau of Investigation to probe the situation, raising concerns that the President Pro Tem of the United States Senate could be on an electrical device killing spree.
The toaster, found in the junkyard located nearest to Grassley’s family farm in Butler County, is reportedly an MCM Vintage Toastmaster Chrome 1950's Model 1B14 with Hospitality Tray.
The model is known for its durability, and several such toasters can currently be found listed on Etsy and eBay.
But this toaster appears to have been fatally fused.
It was surreptitiously deposited in the junkyard around midnight local time on Saturday night. The owner of the junkyard told Crimson Comedy Club that security footage showed a figure who appeared to be elderly and relatively slow-moving, about 6’2” and of medium build, dumping the toaster and then fleeing on foot at a slow jog of about 15 miles per hour.
The figure wore glasses and farmers' overalls, the junkyard owner said.
While Manhattan DA Bragg has no prosecutorial authority in Iowa and it’s not clear the FBI is the right law enforcement agency to be handling alleged crimes in Butler County, Bragg weighed in anyway, telling Crimson Comedy Club that it was important to get to the bottom of the incident.
“We’re talking about two dead electrical devices in just 72 hours,” Bragg emphasized. “This is no small thing, and it looks like an example of more lawlessness on the part of the GOP, under Republican Party misrule.”
“Republicans claim they are the party of law and order, but once again, we see a pattern that just looks too convenient and highly criminal playing out,” Bragg added. “If the FBI doesn’t get to the root of this, who knows what will happen next. Will a 1970’s-era iron be murdered? What if Grassley deliberately detonates his microwave, perhaps by putting tinfoil in it?”
Crimson Comedy Club reached out to Sen. Grassley’s staff for comment. They told us that the Bragg push was another “sick effort to pervert law enforcement and turn prosecutors into de facto deputies of the Democratic Party.”
A Grassley spokesperson also clarified that claims that the death of Beth, the vacuum cleaner, might not have been purely coincidental or related to the natural life cycle of what was admittedly a very old appliance were potentially defamatory.
“Beth was a much-loved member of the Grassley household, and in fact was beloved nationwide, as evidenced by the New York Times obituary that ran in her honor,” the spokesperson said. “Any suggestion that Sen. Grassley had anything to do with Beth’s demise other than plugging her in, and attempting to use her as per completely normal, is false and defamatory, and we are actively considering our legal options with regard to DA Bragg’s statement.”
A different Grassley aide, who was granted anonymity to speak candidly, pointed us to an incident in 2010 when neighboring state Sen. Amy Klobuchar was alleged to have thrown an electric pencil sharpener she claimed was malfunctioning across her Senate office. That aide alleged hypocrisy on Bragg’s part, and criminality on Klobuchar’s part.
“This is the kind of thing that Alvin Bragg should be concerning himself with. It’s a report of proactive violence towards an electrical device, and by the way, one that was apparently only a few years old at the time,” that aide told us. “Once again, we see Democrats trying to cast aspersions on Republicans by making us out to be murderers of household devices, when the reality is, they are the real criminals.”
Bragg refused to respond to that accusation, but did emphasize that he’d taken a strong stance against disgraced former Rep. Anthony Weiner blaming his phone for him having texted out explicit photos of his genitals back in summer 2011.
“Politicians are not some special, protected class,” Bragg said. “We are not above the law, and that includes where use and abuse of electrical appliances are concerned.”
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