Secretary of State Marco Rubio is opting out of attending the Trumpalooza midterm convention in Dallas today and tomorrow, telling Crimson Comedy Club in an exclusive statement that he really needs to devote the full 48 hours to washing his hair.
"All this international travel really takes its toll on one's locks," Rubio said. "For months now, I've been suffering from an itchy scalp, split ends, you name it. It's just a disaster zone, and it's become sufficiently dire that I really need to spend the next 48 hours shampooing, hot oiling, and deep conditioning. How the hell else am I supposed to keep up with Scott Bessent in the haircare stakes?"
Rubio is mainly known for his obsession over transitioning Cuba away from Communist control, as opposed to a laser focus on haircare.
But he does operate in a Cabinet where many members have been selected in part because they struck President Trump as "straight out of central casting."
Rubio hinted at a little self-consciousness where the issue of personal grooming was concerned, with the Bessent comment and a subsequent note that unlike SecDef Pete Hegseth, he hadn't had the benefit of ongoing advice and routine hair and cosmetic care from Fox News makeup and hair artists over successive years.
"The United States Senate is just not known for prioritizing one's mane," he added. "I had great aides there, and I have great aides now, but these people are focused on policy and diplomacy, and with UN Week coming up in New York, I need to hit the pause button now so I can be sure I look my best. I mean, I don't want to get follicle-mogged by United Kingdom Prime Andy Burnham or President Emmanuel Macron or even Russian President Vladimir Putin if they happen to show up. Can you imagine? Disaster."
Rubio is said to be booked in for multiple luxury washes and trim from a five-star rated barber in Little Havana, beginning at 4:00PM ET today. Tonight, he has been told to bank a full eight hours' sleep in a satin cap to protect his damaged follicles. Tomorrow, he has a hot oil treatment and multiple rounds of intensive conditioning booked.
The process is expected to take until midnight tomorrow evening, making him completely unavailable to attend the festivities in Dallas.
Comments ()